look no pants
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
