Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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