I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
