I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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