The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
