so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
