Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
