mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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