She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I need moral support for this bender
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
