I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
