nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
