Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
