She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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