Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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