Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
