You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
