I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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