Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
