And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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