Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
