just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
