You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
