that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
