If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize