Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
