i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
