the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
