Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
