today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You're like the curious george of whores
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
