Dude my mom stole all your condoms
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
