I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
