It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
