the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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