Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
