i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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