I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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