Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
