Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
That accounts for only three of the penises
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
