I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
