come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
