do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
