I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
