When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
