Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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