Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
