"it" just moved
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
