mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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