I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
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