What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
