Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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