The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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