My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
