I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
