just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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