Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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