About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
