i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
