I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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