I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize