This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
