she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
