Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
