i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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