my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
lets start a swedish sibling band together
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
