All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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