i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
