Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
