I think i peed on brittanys purse
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
